"he's just not that into you"

it's a title of a book. i'm reading it. why? because i like to torture myself. apparently out of all the guys i've dated only 2 of them have actually been 'into to me'. James and Alan. but unfortunately i broke their hearts...poor guys. i didn't really like them i was just bored, so i dated them and broke up with them shortly thereafter. i think alan had it worse, i cheated on him. why i'm proclaiming this online? because i mainly feel like i'm talking to myself and (the real reason) that was before bible school and i feel so disconnected to who i was then and who i am now. when i talk about my life then i feel like i'm talking about someone else. God has changed me, made me a new person. there's no part of me that feels capable of doing the things i did to those guys. i have issues babysitting another cat because i feel like i'm cheating on my own! hmm i love kitties...

apparently i'm sensitive now, which is often hard for me to handle. i've lived my whole life NOT being sensitive and to suddenly be sensitive is slightly alarming. i have to learn things that most people have already learned, because there are so many emotions i didn't feel, like jealousy; apparently i get jealous! that one's new! when i first came back and found out Mike had a girlfriend i was so jealous took me awhile to figure out what i was feeling, i was so confused at what emotion that was (i was asking caroline!). i had never been jealous before.

my heart was hard and broken, my God soften it and put it back together. now i'm learning to give it to God everyday. and i don't need a guy around when i'm bored, i need God around all the time. God has my life planned. He has somebody for me, i'm not worried. it's not everything either, i'm so much more than a future wife.

ps. i recommend looking into the passage about when Jesus curses the fig tree and what Proverbs says about a fig tree. Mark 11:12-14, 20-24 and Proverbs 27:18. my pastor at City Church is talking about it relating to your devotional life. it's amazing! you can listen to it online. http://www.thecity.org/ pastor Judah Smith.