human nature

people are so conditional. i'm realising lately. i guess i forgive and accept much more than most, not to say that i unconditionally love people like Jesus, i don't, but i've had to forgive more than most people. i've been fucked over so many times by my family and boys i've loved, that i've had to forgive them and move on. my father especially is the most unreliable person i know but he's still my father. trust him or not i still want a father. and for boys well let's just say Demetri was an excercise in forgiveness. or maybe it's because i fuck up so much that i give people the permission to do the same. i can't hold things against people if i can't hold up to them myself. i don't know it's just stuff i've been realising. more reasons why church is hard for me. but not an excuse for not to become involved in church. wait forget that, i don't want to 'become involved in church' i want to be church, to live church with the church. i want community again. the closest i have to community right now is the people who are in the pictures with me that are on the internet. i want accoutability. all i get is disapproval. i have no direction at all. (here we go, what's actually bothering me.) remember last year when i tried to figure out what to do this year, i had a nervous breakdown. i knew that if i had no direction, no plan, i would start doing exactly what i'm doing now, drinking way to much and messing around with rockstars. my life may be crazy and fun, but that's all it is.

i'm so envious of everyone with a plan. even if it's just a tentative small plan, atleast it's a plan.