my tattoo

not the best in quality but it was from my friend's cell phone on the day i got it-february 10th.

why i have been a bad blogger.

i've been on myspace so that's why i have negelected my blog.
www.myspace.com/kiwisandmangos. you can add me, i'll permit that.

realised i haven't posted in over a week.

i start bartending school tomorrow. i got a tattoo of a treble clef on my left calf about a month or so ago. i was planning to post a pic but we've had technical difficulties. i'm moving out in May/June to Capitol Hill in Seattle (if you don't know where that is don't worry about it). i hung out with Kiki last saturday. so good. seen her a few times since then too; we work like 4 blocks from each other. i got to go to Endeavor's music video/concert last night. i love those guys. they have a new guitarist, good to meet him. 7 days until the Lashes come back. 7 days until Ben comes back. i'm just a little-lot excited. Courtnay is my hero.

my biggest fear and criticism with unity in the church is uniformity.

so often i feel judged and criticised in church; if i'm honest with people, and we can't have unity (or much at all) without honesty. i know that i seem like i don't care what people think of me but like courtnay said i do and i'm sensitive. which, from past experiences with the church, makes me distance myself and be standoffish in church. it's individuals that make up the body of Christ and it's that individuality that should not be lost in creating unity. God Himself created these individuals.
i know i'm not a typical Christian culture scence kid. there's a list i almost posted on how much i don't fit into church culture, but there's not much of a point in me posting it.

i agree with Pam 100% on the need for unity in church before loving the non-Christians, because trust me our dissension is one of the biggest criticism against the Christian faith. so we need to fix that pronto. but the practicality of that happening is low when so many feel ostracized in church circles. i know i do. many would now say that it's my fault and my insecurities but how did you react to me when you first meet me? i've heard so many times that people thought i didn't grow up Christian, well nope i've been a Christian all my life.

it hurts that i feel like i can't be honest with Christians; i value honesty highly and the flipside of me not feeling like i can be honest is that i don't say much at all and thus connect with no one in the church. i mean what do i have in common with a bunch of quiet republican girls who just want to get married. NOTHING! i'm a loud socialist who misses sex more than i miss anything from Capernwray and marriage is scary to even type at this moment. i don't like Christian music because it has cheesy lyrics and bad music quality. if i don't like Celine Dion why am i suppose to like Crystal Lewis just because she's a Christian? i could go on about how Bush's war is constitutionly illegal and how i think Jesus was a socialist, but those were included in aforementioned list i earlier deleted.

basically i'm saying that there is a cookie cutter Christian mold that i don't fit into and it interrupts our unity when we exclude people. so we can talk about the need for unity but if we don't widen our idea of what being a Christian looks (i said looks in reference to appearence so please don't have a blasphemy hissyfit) like than we will never acheive unity at all. i think acceptance is lacked in the church so much in fear of becoming a Unitarian Universalist, but we're regressing back to Puritianism. maybe i'm too liberal but i like to call it relaxed. it's okay to not be pressed and creased and politically correct all the time. Jesus was probably dirty from traveling everywhere and sleeping wherever so it's okay to not take a shower everyday. don't brush your hair for a month and then try to watch the grammy's or oscars or whatever rediculous award show was just on and see how long you last. fucking relax and let people be who God made them to be!

*this was suppose to be and started off as a serious heartfelt post but i'm in too much of a good mood that i can't not be funny!

i feel like i should be writing

not on here, nor my myspace, but in my journal or the big journal i got to write my book. i feel like i should be writing my book. everytime i read a book or talk about reading books (reading books was just recently desribed to me as "yeah right like i have time to sit and look at paper" which i thought was hilarious!). same goes with poetry, everytime i read e. e. cummings or bradley hathaway or somebody else's poetry on their myspace (i have been frequenting myspace lately), i feel like i need to be doing that. and not in the sense of needing to pay the bills or exercise, but something crossed between wanting to and having to.

why don't i? i'm not sure. i think i actually get tired and weighed down by feeling like i need to do it. i've taken some time off from writing all together. i usually write out my prayers but i was feeling like it was getting too habitual and less personal, so i stopped writing them (not stopped praying just writing them out). i stopped writing poetry after i wrote a few poems for Camie's wedding. i think this has been good for me, taken some time off to shed the pressure i put on myself with progressing as a writer.

i'm going to start again. it may come in the form of blogs or maybe not online at all, but i'll write again.

to my Courtface

"Kaylie- Free spirited and proud of it. Even though most days you like to pretend you don't care what people think. I know you do. Your fear of being the 'good girl' ( I know me too) allows you to reach people others would never see. Your wild and crazy, it gets you trouble and you getting out of it is the testament of God's love. You are bold and proud of who you are. Who you are is a women of God, walk tall."

Courtnay i can't tell how much i need to hear that. somehow you always find the words i need to hear. You are the one God has put in my life to tell me exactly what i need to hear at exactly the right moment. you are such an amazing woman of God and you blow me away with your desire to be the person God wants you to be. You amaze me that when everyone else has given up on me you always have faith that God will bring me right back to Him, a faith that has nothing to do with me but a faith that trusts the one who i have trouble trusting.
Thank you for always being so honest with me. Thank you for always being such a good friend. Thank you for always being my sister. Thank you for loving me. i love you and always will.