am i really doing this already?

i thought i missed it, all of it. i thought i wanted every last ounce of it back again. i thought it was the best feeling/thing on earth. i was abashed at how i lived without it for so long. i thought i missed everything about it, every glance, touch, breath, sound of it.
but
i think i forgot this part of it. the after. which is just as much of a part of it as the before and middle, the height. even if it's days after, it's still after, until there's another before.
all
i want is another before. it feels like it's the next step, the thing that should follow. like a pattern, like the sun no the earth around the sun. another before feels right. i'm not going to wait until july 4th.
this
year, i decided is going to be an extended Canada trip mixed in with school and apartment and work. and beer diets.

never ever

get your ribs tattooed. well specifically get white put on 2 weeks after you got a giant dove on your side. apparently "white is a really heavy mineral so i have to put it in really hard." fuck that hurt. i wanted to either start sobbing or throw up, but i don't cry over physical pain and i only throw up when i drink too much. i was so out of it afterwards, i couldn't count my money. but i loved my tattoo artist and more importanly and more so i love my tattoo. i'll take a break from tattoos for a while, this one was my birthday present. why would i inflict so much pain on myself for my birthday?! pictures soon or not soon, i don't really know.

human nature

people are so conditional. i'm realising lately. i guess i forgive and accept much more than most, not to say that i unconditionally love people like Jesus, i don't, but i've had to forgive more than most people. i've been fucked over so many times by my family and boys i've loved, that i've had to forgive them and move on. my father especially is the most unreliable person i know but he's still my father. trust him or not i still want a father. and for boys well let's just say Demetri was an excercise in forgiveness. or maybe it's because i fuck up so much that i give people the permission to do the same. i can't hold things against people if i can't hold up to them myself. i don't know it's just stuff i've been realising. more reasons why church is hard for me. but not an excuse for not to become involved in church. wait forget that, i don't want to 'become involved in church' i want to be church, to live church with the church. i want community again. the closest i have to community right now is the people who are in the pictures with me that are on the internet. i want accoutability. all i get is disapproval. i have no direction at all. (here we go, what's actually bothering me.) remember last year when i tried to figure out what to do this year, i had a nervous breakdown. i knew that if i had no direction, no plan, i would start doing exactly what i'm doing now, drinking way to much and messing around with rockstars. my life may be crazy and fun, but that's all it is.

i'm so envious of everyone with a plan. even if it's just a tentative small plan, atleast it's a plan.

last night.

if i see someone i know again at Chop Suey, i'm going to expect my photographer to be there to document it! but he wasn't, so no new cool "by Reno DeNada" myspace profile pic. Teada and i looked so hott and our photographer wasn't there! but his hott friend was, but he was busy bartending, so i flirted with the guy at the door. Teada made me smoke twice so we could look for the lead singer of the band. i never smoke twice a night. never say never.