today

so tonight i went with some friends to see Napoleon Dynamite in marymoor park! it was fun! it's been a while since i've seen it; the dancing part definetly reminded me of the girl at camp that did his dance for the talent show, and pamela (i heard that she learned it for the taurnhof talent show).

i had an interview at this travel agency. well it was a group interview. the president of the company came out first and talked about the company and business (then the one on one interviews). he was SO obnixous, like an used car salesman, only it was the other way around in terms of dynamics; we were trying to get a job from him (not him trying to sell us something). he kept saying that "this is an interview!" and "mmkay." the worst was when he pronounced costa rica, "casta rica." he was loud and arrogant, a really annoying american. it reminded me of that feeling of stepping off the airplane in america after just coming back from england, and hearing loud annoying americans complain about everything, just after sitting across from this old, fat american guy who would yell bad jokes after the flight attendants annouced something. i sat next to a british guy who had lived in seattle for 10 years; we were thoroughly annoyed and embarrassed. it was that feeling that i was in a country that was ignorrant, nationalistic, arrogant, and loud. a country i never liked. a country i will most likely spend the next 5 years in, which is too long for me.
well i left while the guy was still talking. i realised that this job isn't for me because 1) i can't work from home and 2) i don't have a car to visit clients. so i just got up in the middle of him talking and walked out. this lady had just left right before me so i kinda just followed her out.

then i had another interview and applied/dropped off resumes 3 other places so hopefully soon, very soon, i'll get a job.

oregon

i'm not going to oregon this weekend. so sad, but we have deemed the trip to Grant's Pass too far and exhausting. so i will have to visit my oregon babies some other time. i miss you guys very much, allikiss, pammy (j'adore pammy), team, jenny, janelle...soon very soon.

job

so i need a job. i'm bored and me mum is getting on my case. i do have an interview on wednesday at this camera store. i really want it. i really want to get into photography more and i do have experience with filming and photograhpy, that was my job this summer. so hopefully he'll hire this pretty face.

response to a response

being home and finding things out that i knew i would have to discover when i got home, was easier than i thought. not what i expected. i've had a few surprises; i.e. mike has a girlfriend (and i'm terribly jealous), still in love with demetri, without jovana i have no friends here, but i can deal with all those surprises. i can handle it. i'm not a mess of a person, like i was before and (honestly) during bible school. God is more than enough, i need Him everyday. i need to thank Him everyday. i'll be alright.
with Him i can be friends with demetri and mike, i can make new friends or just wait until jovana gets home in november. it's not a big deal. whatev. i'm going to start going to mars hill church and get a job, help my college pastor out with the church he's starting in february. maybe help start a youth group there.
i have plans and so does God, for me. i want to go to azuza next fall and do the global studies major there. i want to work in anything with international relations. i know that if i let Him, He will use me. i have so much hope in the future. a new feeling that i hope stays.

so those friends that are worried, relax. i'm doing well because God is good. i'm writing all this with a smile that's genuine. contentment i guess.

tonight

i saw the love of my life for the first time since christmas. hung out with him at our friends house and then went back to his place to see his fish. he has some cool fish. i like fish.
i'm still in love with him. i will probably always be in love with him. my first love. but i will never date him. i don't trust him and it's highly unusual for me not to trust someone. it takes a lot to lose my trust, but when it's gone, it's gone.
i love to listen to him, be around him. i see so much of God in him, so many gifts God has given him. he just wastes them, but God is still working on him. i still cry when cries, laugh when he laughs. i hate to see him hurting and love to see him smile. i would have done anything for him, but not now. i'm hestitant of how close we get (as friends only).
it was really good to see him, i missed so much.

AHHHH!!!

why is my links list doing that? what is with the double freaking spaces?? i don't understand why!

dissapointment

and terribly jealous. not my usual emotions, but what is usual for me now.
jealousy is still relatively new to me, i have avoided this emotion. they were times in the past where i was jealous, but at those times i was secure in the grasp of the object that i wanted. and i could rationalize jealousy away fairly easily.
but this time, it was a crashing wave exploding fast on the shore of my heart. shock set in and i was paralyzed from exercising any form of reason and reserve. i said what i was thinking (but i usually do that all the time), as a statement that deserved a signifcant response.
i got my significant response in the form of a question "do you still have feelings for me?" i responded with a "i didn't but now i don't know."

a day or two has passed and the base of jealousy has built into dissapointment. i thought maybe now, it would be our chance. never quite let go of that, no matter how far i had moved on. i still had hope.

losing hope is like losing patience. just a wee bit of hope was lost, just a wee bit of patience was lost. now i have more hope and patience in the eternal.

janice?

janice,
my phone died. it's stupid, i hate it. i am getting a cell phone once i get a job. speaking of getting a job, i'm going to go harass starbucks (and get a iced vanilla latte...mmm) and this camera place i left my resume at.
thanks for the help with the links. maybe tomorrow if you aren't doing anything, we should get together.

ok bye.

and everyone else! janice taught me how to do links. i have one up for this rad christian t-shirt company, the mysterious guy in the picture with me, helped his friend start it. so it's just this college kid who designs and prints them. check it out, if you want.

my beach

this is my beach. the first beach i went to in cali.
i spent 3 hours, 2 days a week standing in the water, pushing surf boards, trying to get jr. high kids to stand up on their board.

the last beach i went to in cali.
i miss cali. i miss camp. i miss late nights and exhasution. i miss hilarious campers. i miss laughing hard. i miss my molding single wide mobile home. i miss staff village. i miss my friends.

i didn't expect to miss cali.

i expected to miss capernwray and all my dear friends there. now i have 2 sets of places and people to miss. i get so sick of missing people. i think though that's going to be my life.

i forgot we took this picture. i just got it off my mum's camera on sunday. we're so pretty.

wedding pics!

just some pics i took at the wedding. of course the bride and groom and the little girl is my cousin. i used to babysit her all the time. she's so cute.

links

i can't post links. you know those link lists on the sidebar to your friends sites or rad sites you think everyone should see. i tried but i can't. i just don't know how. so this does not show that i don't have friends with blogs and that i don't know of a christian t-shirt company where my friend does the printing. because i do, i have both of those.

wedding reveiw/phone annoyances

so the wedding was a lot of fun! i was happy on my island. i saw family i hadn't seen since christmas. the bride was beautiful. the kids were cute. we drank, we ate, we were merry. i learned i can drink responsibly. i'll have pictures as soon as i can find the usb cord for the camera.

however, i do have some frustrations to vent. my home phone doesn't always work and i lack a cell phone. the number 2 button is very tricky and the phone just cuts out randomly. i learned this when trying to talk to courtnay last night. after 3, 4, 5 attempts at reconnection i called it a night and went to bed. it cut out again talking to josh today, but we were able to reconnect. then the conversation was cut short because he had to leave. i feel so disconnected with people.
i miss josh a lot and courtnay too. they are the two people who's opnion and advice i respect very much. probably the only two people i actually take advice from, everyone else's advice i ignore. i have two concerns i would like to get their opinion about. one concern is about something i did this weekend, and the other, my future in general. maybe i should try letter writing again.

wedding

today is the beginning of the wedding weekend. my cousin is getting married, and their having the wedding at his parents beach front place on Whildbey Island! i'm so excited to go to whildbey, i haven't been since 4th of july 2004. i love whildbey island. we used to go all the time as kids. it's so beautiful there.
today is the rehearsel dinner, my sister is in the wedding (i'm not sure what's she's doing though). i guess the rehearsel dinner is picnic style thing at her aunt's place, who has all these animals, like emus and chickens or something.
i'll be away from blogdom for a few days (not quite sure how long), but i'll bring back pictures!

last day in cali

that day was so poetic
the sun the sand the waves
perfect
perfect was the smile on our faces
perfect was the waves guiding us
perfect was the way you sang
you sang leaving on a jet plane
poetic was the sun
the calm, slightly populated beach
poetic were the waves
the steady waves of the pacific ocean
poetic was the way we sunbathed '
quiet on the beach
it was a poetic day

summer pics

this is a friend i meet camp. (that's all the info you get on him.)
don't you like my pig tails?

oh yeah the lip ring is no more. forest home made me take it out. no hard feelings though.

this is one of my very lovely good friends. i love her to pieces and need to hear from her soon. so if you know this beautiful girl named liana, tell her i need her.

yesterday i got a haircut and color. i like it a lot. kept most of my length and lost most of the red. but my beautiful emo bangs are still there.
and today i got my driver's license renewed, since i'm 21 and home. good picture of me. i'm not going to lie, i like it.
i would post a new lovely pic but our camera is currently out of batteries. so i'll post a old lovely pic.

this a beautiful pic of the 2 most beautiful people at capernwray. we were dancing. nathaniel smith and i.

first blog ever

so here i am writing my first blog. i used to have a live journal, but i assume it is no longer since i have foresaken it long ago for life, i.e. only 40 mins of internet time a week in england (i went to bible school in england, for those who do not belong to the secret society).

Now i have time since i am home from camp. camp well was camp. hard, interesting, but fun. i now love junior and high schoolers, they are so much fun! Go to www.foresthome.org find where the pictures are and look under Ojai Valley summer 2005 and there i am (or that's where the pictures i took are, i was the media tech for the last half of summer). there's a few of me, some more under summer res staff 2005. you can even buy them too.
i'll post some pics soon.
maybe poems.