something sad

it's sad when everyone else respects someone so much but i'm the only who can't. it's sad because i know him well enough and i know what he's trying to do to me. even more sad because he doesn't know me anymore, he doesn't know that all he's doing is hurting me. still sadder that he doesn't want to know.

my life is sad right now.
i didn't get into Azusa Pacific University. doubt i'll get into Trinity Western in BC. all i do is work and go to shows (i have a sleuth of concerts lined up, my only happiness). it's takes all my energy everyday to rely on God for hope and not breakdown. i think i need to just breakdown, but i'm putting that off as long as possible. i miss vancover and the rest of BC that we saw. i miss having a friend around all the time who makes me laugh so much (nate church last night was full of "that's sooo good" by multiple people! i almost lost it completely). it's sad that the only thing i want to do right now is drown all this in corona, but i can't because i've adopted 'no excuses-for myself or anyone else' as a motto for 2006. i don't want to talk about it either, so the most i can do is post about it.

question

i don't remember the last time i brushed my hair, is that bad?

i should explain. i decided that i was too vain so for a new year's resolution, i stopped brushing my hair. i still wash it everyday just that i don't brush or blowdry it, or do anything with it (wait i put a bobby pin in it yesterday but that was just to keep my bangs out of my face for once). it's to keep me from caring about my appearence too much, although i still wear makeup everyday..one step at a time.

i do love people's reactions when i tell them. it's hilarious.

so

Nate came and left. as well as my friend's wedding, bridesmaid dress, Portland, and Canada. i had too much fun at every event we did this week that i can't even begin to describe. oh so good to see friends Pam and Allison, Jenny Z. and Brittany Stobbe and Janice. (who remembers Allison's and my secret language we made up and wrote letters to each other in?) i love kisses and sushi.

i guess i can give a synopsis on what we did:
picked him up on friday
rehearsal and dinner that night for the wedding i was in
wedding (i cried during it) and reception on saturday (Nate and i are hott dancers!)
church and then seattle on sunday
Portland to see Jenny, Pam and Allison, and Meredith Ewer
Home that night
Vancover, BC on tuesday did the city
then went to meet Brittany Stobbe (spring school btw), Russel, Dave, and Bethany who are Nate's friends from Rio Vida
dinner, hung out and spent the night (thank you Rus and his parents)
Brittany, Nate and i went to go meet Janice at a mall on teusday
had lunch with her
Trinity Western tour and got kicked out of Bethany's dorm (boys)
rad coffee shop, ice cream, and sushi
said goodbye
stateside
stopped in Bellingham and had a wee visit with Katie Bedillion and her Greece friend
then home and goodnight
6:30 am goodbye (i had to work)

we love BC. i love Brittany and Rus and Beth. they are my favorite new friends ever! i'm buying a car solely for going to visit them. maybe move there so we can be Ney neys! we had SO much fun!

i laughed basically for a week straight. that's sooo good and soo true. yeah.

crunchy

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus

that's what i want my thoughts to be all the time. but they're not. lately i was told that i'm too honest. it's true. i am too a lot of things. some would say that i swear too much but to be honest i don't have a problem with it. i flirt too much and i do have a problem with that. i bitch about weddings and my bridesmaid dress and bridal showers and then i got drunk at the bachorlette party. i drink and sometimes too much. i do have a problem with that. if i drink too much it's because i'm trying to drown my emotions and that's not alright. most of the time i don't like my attitude about everything. i wish i could be simple but i complicate things. why, not sure. i have a bad habit of always getting what i want. i regret, sometimes too much. but i do not regret anything i've done since bible school. i just wanted to say that for the record.

on the positive. i love too much. i give all i have to someone easily. i believe easily. it's hard for me to not believe in santa. i work too hard. i fall asleep easily. i'm finally for the first time at peace about my future and think this crazy idea of traveling around the world to study people for people is God's idea. it's the craziest idea i've ever had but the one that makes the most sense. my teaching high school idea made me nervous. this one doesn't. God teaches me somthing new everyday, no matter where and what i read. that amazes me because it has nothing to do with me. God amazes me. it truely makes me cry when i think about how many people i meet that don't know God's grace and love. it makes my heart happy when 20+ people come to Jesus every wednesday night at church. i'm happy that demetri and amanda are back together. they're good for each other, they both want the same thing-marriage. something i couldn't give him for atleast 5 years and he can't wait another 5 years. i don't think she can handle him. i can handle him but look what happened to me. i so hope he doesn't destroy her again. i still feel responsible for him, but he won't talk to me, but that's fine, i'm okay with that-honestly. i think it's better for her if he doesn't talk to me.

i'm still trying to prove so much because now people's opinions of me matter. and it's only because i'm senstive now. but i'm still too honest.

hmm my positive is longer than my negative...well i never did have a problem with confidence.

an update?

my friend's wedding (that i'm in) is this saturday. i went (and am going again) tanning. the dress isn't as bad as we think it is. i wrote poems for her program, she may hate them all. i'm having a visitor soon. i get paid on friday. i'm going to portland for the day on the 16th and vancover, bc on the 17th and 18th. i hear whether or not azusa wants me "after the 15th". i get paid on friday. my nails look trashy this color. i miss courtface. i need to call her today. i get paid on friday. caroline's computer comes on the 10th which is today. i get to miss the bridemaids and bride getting their nails done on the 13th because someone's plane gets in at 12:30, thank you to that someone and the plane schedule. i don't really like getting my nails done. i get paid on friday. i get paid on friday. i get paid on friday. i get paid on friday. and i get paid on friday.

jello shots ;)

i just made jello shots with Jovana for the bachorlette party tomorrow. we made 3 kinds: a wee bit of vodka, regular amount of vodka, and a lot of vodka; different flavors too! we also bought coconut rum for rum and cokes. and then some bitch beer; corona. we're going to have a lot of acohol and pretty sure her, Krystal, and me are going to be the only ones having more than just one-but hey first bachorlette parties call for first time we all got completely smashed together!

ringing in the new year

with good friends is the best. especially with friends you haven't seen in oh so many months.

i love Courtnay.

i love it when Christians swear. i love how when i said that; Janice, Courtnay, and Andrew preceded to swear profusely.

i love tea. and cookies.

i love how i always get lost going home from Janice's.

i love that i'm at work right now.

i love my 2 cats and that they are still alive. i hate that my 17 year old cat had to be put down because she was dying. i love that even though she stayed at my old house with my exstep-dad when my mum and i moved out, she was loved very much-my exstepdad cried when we put her down.

i hate that i added something sad to this post.

i love when friends post pictures on their blogs. i hate that i never take pictures anymore.

i love smoothies so i'm going to go make one.

choices

i have been realising how many choices we have in life; in every single situation we make a choice. whether we choice between milk or juice, blue or green, this school or that, the choice to have a goal, yes or no. each choice is different. some are far less important, but it's still personal power. we have so much more power over our lives than we think we do. i know most will pull the God card on me, but whether or not we give our lives for God is a choice and up to us alone. God has always made us choose first; in salvation-the choice to believe, the choice to die to ourselves, the choice to allow God to change us by choosing to let go of our lives and the things we hold on to. God is definetly all-powerful, but He choose to let us choose Him first, that's what love is; choosing someone. i think so much in life, in our relationship with God, has to do with us making choices. dying to ourselves is a choice we have to make everyday. our everyday choices is what makes up our 'walk with God.' maybe i'm venturing too off course, and am trying to find ways to make me feel better about giving up my control over my life, but that's a choice i am working on making. (i'm definetly not a hardcore calvinists.)

socially, relationally, a simple yes or no changes everything in a relationship. waiting and saying no can be the hardest thing but the better choice to make.
all of our choices have consequences. accepting your choice and the consequences isn't always easy. saying no when all you want is to say yes, even though no is the right answer, that one is hard.