i realised today that i go to church with Dating Delilah. good band.

so my birthday came and went. so did rediculous drunkeness (a complete understatement). saw Ben Lashes again, kissed me again. he looked tired, it was cute. new tattoo is larger than originaly expected. better like this though. hopefully i'll see Dawn tonight. she wants to go to Mars Hill.
i need to move out. my house is feeling suffocating. my mum lately is asking too many questions. she wants me to open up to her and tell exactly what's wrong. i don't even know what's wrong and i can't talk until i know what's wrong exactly. it's always been this way with me, with talking with Rich years ago and Josh last year, and Courtnay lately. i can't talk about what i'm feeling until i know and understand what is i'm feeling. i think it's because i refuse to sound like a bumbling stupid girl. and i like conclusions.
i'm entertaining the idea of my own place, no roommates. no how was your day. no we need coffee. no get out of the bathroom i have to pee. no loud obnoxious top 40 radio in my sister's room. just me and Gatsby American Dream and makeup spread out on the counter and my beer and limes. a tiny teeny studio in dirty capitol hill.

things i don't understand..

-why people have to be mean. blatanly mean to me. you don't have to like me, i never asked for that, just don't be mean to me.

-why people think i don't have feelings and that they don't get hurt. i'm so sensitive, actually. only a few know that.

-why tattoos have to cost so fucking much. well it's my birthday present to myself.

-why photographers just have to take pictures of Teada and i! damnit more pictures on the internet of me! i wasn't going to let that happen again.

-why i can't buy Lashes and Panic at the Disco tickets online.

-why Courtnay lives so far away. i miss her face.

-and i don't understand many more things, but that's all i want to admit to not knowing right now.

-oh yeah, why Christian boys won't call just to go to coffee or something. asking a girl out to coffee isn't something you need to go on a prayer and fasting regime to do. see i told you i don't have the patience for this guy. if he doesn't have the guts to ask me out then he can't handle me. i do have to consider that some guys are just too nice for me, i need someone who can tell it to me straight.

boys..

so the maybe-gay customer i have a crush on at work turned out to not be gay! yea! he got my number! he's so cute. and we like the same music and he's as passionate about music as i am. definetly a crush. he's a graphic designer. i'm going to invite him to see the Shy's with me.

and the new guitarist in Endeavor, Sean. he's so nice and cute. we hung out with everyone last saturday. we had so much fun! he's a good Christian boy too. he takes his time and doesn't rush into things, which is good, but i don't know if i have the patience for that. i know how i feel about someone pretty early on and i know what i want.

and then Ben Lashes comes back the 28th. oh dear it's raining men. i love it! maybe Ben will sing me happy birthday on stage since the show is a day after my birthday.

oh yeah i'll be 22 soon..blah.

and Nic from Gatsbys comes back today. i grew up with that kid. we're suppose to hang soon. we're just friends, i think he has a girlfriend. but he's a cool kid.

domestication of kaylie

i cleaned my room today in a dress and red highheels, while dancing to the Shys. so desparate housewives of me. i'm so hott right now (sounds like downtown first term)!

RETRACTION!

Endeavor is not going on tour anymore. i'm sorry but their van doesn't work and it would cost too much to fix it and go on tour. so sad but good too because then i get to hang out with them. they may tour a bit during the summer. but go see the Lashes and Gatsby American Dream.

and This Providence too.

today

i smoked a cigarette and then ate fastfood. i've never been so unhealthy in my life. but there's nothing like a smoke and a cheeseburger.

my friends on tour:
The Lashes
Gatsby American Dream
and soon my dear friends Endeavor

*South Carolina and Rhode Island: Endeavor is coming! i love them, go see them, tell them you know me. this is the band Dana and i used to go on about. we both had Endeavor t-shirts. i'm seeing them tonight. good friends of mine.

*West Coast (from Vancover BC to San Deigo): The Lashes are coming! i hooked up with the lead singer from the Lashes-Ben Lashes (actually his name is Ben Clark..not Ben Clark-Mitchell just Ben Clark.) he's such a good kisser.

Gatsby American Dream are touring for the rest of their lives, atleast until July. they're going everywhere. i grew up with the lead singer, Nic Newsham.

so myspace them. The Lashes and Endeavor are on my top 8 and Gatsby American Dream is on the first page of my friends list. their shows are posted. no excuses just go! http://www.myspace.com/kiwisandmangos

warning: i've been watching felicity, very dramatic, which makes me dramatic.

you know the feeling that not everyone approves of what you're doing? have you felt that? i have, i do. i should be used to this by now, i rarely do what people think i should do, sometimes just because they think so. this isn't directly related to bartending, i don't know maybe it is. actually why i'm posting doesn't really have to do with this topic. i'm trying good judgement for once and not writing things i know aren't true. i realised that saying what i feel, even though i know and state that it's not completely true, still very validly hurts people. i never mean to hurt people. i'm sorry if i do, by the things i say. maybe i don't have that much of an impact on people, probably i don't. i'm pretty sure most of what i do and say gets tossed out the window as 'that's just Kaylie, that's just how she is.' i'm feeling pretty lost right now. i know exactly when that started. big things for me to say on my blog, it'll probably be deleted in the morning. i so hope no one leaves 'advice' or whatever.

i just chopped my hair. i look like a scene kid. blah.

telling people half of the truth is not honesty. saying half of everything and half of every why is not honesty. i expect more from you, from everyone of you. i expect you to tell me what you're really thinking, no matter what. that goes for every single person that lived in that great, big, dunegeon-like palace with me.
i'm going to go draw and write. comtemplate various tattoos and discuss with my journal why we never figure out who we are completely this side of heaven and why people should stop trying to figure out who they are. we are all confused and broken. do not think you're not.